Our Leave in Illinois

We just got back to Fort Riley last night after spending 9 days home in Illinois on leave. We usually stay with my parents but they just bought a new house and are gutting it so we ended up staying with Alberts G-Ma. She rocks. All in all it was a great visit. We got family pictures done by the same guy that did our wedding back in 04' and I can't wait to see how they turned out. I got Bree a new outfit and Albert brought his new set of acu's to wear for the pics. and of course neither Bree nor Albert could fit into their designated clothes on picture day! lol Needless to say I didn't get the pictures I wanted but I guess these were the pictures we were ment to have. I'll post them as soon as he gets them up on his website. Yesterday morning before we left we got everyone in both of our families together for breakfast as it was the last time everyone would see Albert until this stupid dumb deployment is over. Everyone stood in a circle as Grandpa prayed for us to have a safe trip home and that Albert be protected while over-there. Everyone hugged us and I could see the tears well up as they hugged Albert and the pitty in their eyes as they hugged me. I had this huge overwhelming urge to cry but I held it together as I'm sure I'll have to do many more time throughout this coming year. Aubree did great on the trip. She didn't sleep much which turned out to be a good thing because when we got back here to Kansas she crashed out hard core and didn't wake up till almost 10am today. We move out of our apartment on the 29th and will be staying in a hotel until he leaves then Bree and I will drive back to Illinois and stay. Alberts deployment ceremony date has changed and is now on the 30th, time is just going way to fast.

He's Leaving soon....

Albert hasn't even been home for a year yet and he leaves for Iraq again in x days. I'm so overwhelmed. I have so many emotions right now. I thought that the first deployment would be harder then the second but someone up there is trying to prove me wrong. Albert is my best friend and I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.. I am so blessed to have him as a husband but sometimes I feel so cheated. Sometimes I wish we were a normal family. Sometimes I would give anything just to know that we were going to be able to be together. No special training out in the field for weeks, no deployments, just him and I working our asses off to pay bills even if it means just scraping by, even if it means going into debt. I would do anything just to make sure that he is safe. I hate that he's gone every other year. I hate that he misses out on Aubree. I hate that he misses out on me. I hate that Aubree and I miss out on him. Most of all I hate thinking that he might not make it home to us. He's such a good daddy and such an amazing husband. I know this military lifestyle is something we have chosen to do as a family and have been doing for the last few years but sometimes I just don't feel strong enough. Sometimes I just don't feel like I can pull this off. How am I supposed to tell Aubree that daddy is at work every day for the next year? How do I explain that to a 2 year old? They are so close. I just dread him leaving again. The tension between Albert and I is so thick right now, as it always is before he leaves us. I tend to nit-pick at the small dumb stuff that doesn't even matter. I grasp for anything that gives me any control in my life as I often feel like all of the decisions are made for us and feel as if I have no say as to what is to come. Our house is filled with boxs right now, just waiting to pack our whole life into a storage shed and put everything on hold for yet another year. Aubree and I are moving back home to Illinois as we have a great support system there. We are so blessed that we have such a loving family, so why is it that I feel so sad right now. I'm so let down. I'm so mad. I'm so..... I don't even know what I am. I'm going to miss my husband, my heart is breaking and he isn't even gone yet.