Albert hasn't even been home for a year yet and he leaves for Iraq again in x days. I'm so overwhelmed. I have so many emotions right now. I thought that the first deployment would be harder then the second but someone up there is trying to prove me wrong. Albert is my best friend and I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.. I am so blessed to have him as a husband but sometimes I feel so cheated. Sometimes I wish we were a normal family. Sometimes I would give anything just to know that we were going to be able to be together. No special training out in the field for weeks, no deployments, just him and I working our asses off to pay bills even if it means just scraping by, even if it means going into debt. I would do anything just to make sure that he is safe. I hate that he's gone every other year. I hate that he misses out on Aubree. I hate that he misses out on me. I hate that Aubree and I miss out on him. Most of all I hate thinking that he might not make it home to us. He's such a good daddy and such an amazing husband. I know this military lifestyle is something we have chosen to do as a family and have been doing for the last few years but sometimes I just don't feel strong enough. Sometimes I just don't feel like I can pull this off. How am I supposed to tell Aubree that daddy is at work every day for the next year? How do I explain that to a 2 year old? They are so close. I just dread him leaving again. The tension between Albert and I is so thick right now, as it always is before he leaves us. I tend to nit-pick at the small dumb stuff that doesn't even matter. I grasp for anything that gives me any control in my life as I often feel like all of the decisions are made for us and feel as if I have no say as to what is to come. Our house is filled with boxs right now, just waiting to pack our whole life into a storage shed and put everything on hold for yet another year. Aubree and I are moving back home to Illinois as we have a great support system there. We are so blessed that we have such a loving family, so why is it that I feel so sad right now. I'm so let down. I'm so mad. I'm so..... I don't even know what I am. I'm going to miss my husband, my heart is breaking and he isn't even gone yet.
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2 comments:
It's never easy saying goodbye to the one you love Amanda. Doesn't matter if it's the first of the 5th time, it hurts just the same. Luckily you do have a great support system and friends who truly understand what you are going through. It's okay to feel what you want and not think twice about it. Hug Bree when you need him near you. Many hugs and much love.
I know how you feel Amanda.This whole thing sucks majorly. Probably twice as much for you. But if God didn't think you could handle it, he wouldn't have had you go through this. Just remember you are wonderful woman. You are an amazing mom to Aubree and a great wife to Al. Keep your head high, and faith great. And remember we're all here for you on the board and at Riley.
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