My day. My thoughts.

I went to a visitation today for a fallen soldier in my hometown. I drove around the church about 20 minutes trying to get all of my tears out before I walked in to pay my respects to this soldiers family. He's not just a fallen soldier. He was a 46 year old man who was married to a beautiful wife. They together had 2 children who will miss their daddy more than any of us will ever be able to imagine. This was his 3 tour in Iraq. This was has last tour. As I walked up the stairs to enter the church, there were men lined with flags all the way up the stairs. I could not meet their eyes because even something so small as that would send me into tears all over again. I clutched my Proud Army Wife purse as tight as I could and walked into the church to see many men in Dress Uniform and ACU's. There weren't many friend or family there and I remember thinking, where is our community right now? Where is everyone that is so proud of our military? Why aren't they here? What better did they have to do today then be here with this family that has sacrificed so much for the United States? Have these people forgotten that our soldiers...my own husband...are fighting a war? I signed the guess book and look at the many pictures they had posted up of this soldier and his family and his unit. He looked like one of those guys that you would want to be friends with, his eyes were so kind in the pictures. Twards the front of the church they had more pictures and off to the right I could see the back of his wife. As I walked up to look at the pictures I couldn't seem to draw my eyes away from this woman. She had earned the title, Gold Star Wife. This is a title that us Army Wives dread the thought of earning. In my mind I keep thinking, she is the woman I never want to be. I'm getting closer and closer to her and I start thinking....what am I supposed to say? Her eyes meet mind and I can feel the sadness radiate off of her. I'm right in front of her and I put my hand on her and all I can think to say is "We will be thinking about you". I didn't hug her. I didn't say how sorry I was. I didn't say any of the things that I thought I would say to someone in this situation. I just said the stupid words, we will be thinking about you....and I left the church as fast as I could get my legs to move. Ever since I left, I just can't stop thinking that I should have embraced that woman as tight as I could. I should have told her that I am amazed at how brave she is. I should have told her that her husband is a hero. I should have told her that....I'm crying inside for her and her kids. I'm heartbroken for her. Instead I looked at her, I saw myself in her shoes and it scared the shit out of me. I could be her. It could have been my husband instead of hers.

3 Months Down

We are going good. Aubree is doing amazing with the whole potty training thing but we still have a few "opps" moments. Aubree and I both start School on Jan. 12th! This is a huge step for both of us. She will be going to the pre-preschool program through the college that I will be attending. On my breaks and during lunch I will be able to go visit her or go and observe her in the little room in the center. We went today and talked with her teacher about what we need to bring and how everything works. She showed us around and Aubree got sooo excited when she saw the itty bitty potties! lol She started telling us all that she had to go pee-pee, she had a huge grin on her face while sitting on that thing. lol She didn't want to leave and I really hope it stays like that because I think I'd have a hard time leaving her if she didn't want to stay there. The only negative of this program is that the 2 year olds have to be completley potty trained in order to attend and I'm really worried that Bree will have a setback due to such a huge change, but I guess we will see. I'm excited none the less. I haven't been able to talk with Albert at any length really. It's ok though as I don't really have a lot to say. I'm stuck in potty training hell and am getting ready to go back to college at the ripe old age of 26! He doesn't really have that much to say either. He says he pretty much does the same thing every day. He says he is ready to come home and that he can't wait to see Aubree. I'm really ready to have our own home again. I can't wait to decorate a new place. I can't wait till Bree has her own big room and can't wait to get her into a big girl bed. She is getting so big. She has such a huge personality. She is starting to do some of the things I said my kid would never do. (example, Yelling "No Mommy" at me in the middle of a public place) We are trying to work on manners but dang that's a hard concept for a 2 year old to grasp. I've noticed my patience have been nill to none as of late. This month has hit be like a brick wall. Time is going so very slow. I pray that school makes time go faster for Aubree and I. R and R can't get here fast enough....so that's my update.