My day. My thoughts.

I went to a visitation today for a fallen soldier in my hometown. I drove around the church about 20 minutes trying to get all of my tears out before I walked in to pay my respects to this soldiers family. He's not just a fallen soldier. He was a 46 year old man who was married to a beautiful wife. They together had 2 children who will miss their daddy more than any of us will ever be able to imagine. This was his 3 tour in Iraq. This was has last tour. As I walked up the stairs to enter the church, there were men lined with flags all the way up the stairs. I could not meet their eyes because even something so small as that would send me into tears all over again. I clutched my Proud Army Wife purse as tight as I could and walked into the church to see many men in Dress Uniform and ACU's. There weren't many friend or family there and I remember thinking, where is our community right now? Where is everyone that is so proud of our military? Why aren't they here? What better did they have to do today then be here with this family that has sacrificed so much for the United States? Have these people forgotten that our soldiers...my own husband...are fighting a war? I signed the guess book and look at the many pictures they had posted up of this soldier and his family and his unit. He looked like one of those guys that you would want to be friends with, his eyes were so kind in the pictures. Twards the front of the church they had more pictures and off to the right I could see the back of his wife. As I walked up to look at the pictures I couldn't seem to draw my eyes away from this woman. She had earned the title, Gold Star Wife. This is a title that us Army Wives dread the thought of earning. In my mind I keep thinking, she is the woman I never want to be. I'm getting closer and closer to her and I start thinking....what am I supposed to say? Her eyes meet mind and I can feel the sadness radiate off of her. I'm right in front of her and I put my hand on her and all I can think to say is "We will be thinking about you". I didn't hug her. I didn't say how sorry I was. I didn't say any of the things that I thought I would say to someone in this situation. I just said the stupid words, we will be thinking about you....and I left the church as fast as I could get my legs to move. Ever since I left, I just can't stop thinking that I should have embraced that woman as tight as I could. I should have told her that I am amazed at how brave she is. I should have told her that her husband is a hero. I should have told her that....I'm crying inside for her and her kids. I'm heartbroken for her. Instead I looked at her, I saw myself in her shoes and it scared the shit out of me. I could be her. It could have been my husband instead of hers.