My day. My thoughts.

I went to a visitation today for a fallen soldier in my hometown. I drove around the church about 20 minutes trying to get all of my tears out before I walked in to pay my respects to this soldiers family. He's not just a fallen soldier. He was a 46 year old man who was married to a beautiful wife. They together had 2 children who will miss their daddy more than any of us will ever be able to imagine. This was his 3 tour in Iraq. This was has last tour. As I walked up the stairs to enter the church, there were men lined with flags all the way up the stairs. I could not meet their eyes because even something so small as that would send me into tears all over again. I clutched my Proud Army Wife purse as tight as I could and walked into the church to see many men in Dress Uniform and ACU's. There weren't many friend or family there and I remember thinking, where is our community right now? Where is everyone that is so proud of our military? Why aren't they here? What better did they have to do today then be here with this family that has sacrificed so much for the United States? Have these people forgotten that our soldiers...my own husband...are fighting a war? I signed the guess book and look at the many pictures they had posted up of this soldier and his family and his unit. He looked like one of those guys that you would want to be friends with, his eyes were so kind in the pictures. Twards the front of the church they had more pictures and off to the right I could see the back of his wife. As I walked up to look at the pictures I couldn't seem to draw my eyes away from this woman. She had earned the title, Gold Star Wife. This is a title that us Army Wives dread the thought of earning. In my mind I keep thinking, she is the woman I never want to be. I'm getting closer and closer to her and I start thinking....what am I supposed to say? Her eyes meet mind and I can feel the sadness radiate off of her. I'm right in front of her and I put my hand on her and all I can think to say is "We will be thinking about you". I didn't hug her. I didn't say how sorry I was. I didn't say any of the things that I thought I would say to someone in this situation. I just said the stupid words, we will be thinking about you....and I left the church as fast as I could get my legs to move. Ever since I left, I just can't stop thinking that I should have embraced that woman as tight as I could. I should have told her that I am amazed at how brave she is. I should have told her that her husband is a hero. I should have told her that....I'm crying inside for her and her kids. I'm heartbroken for her. Instead I looked at her, I saw myself in her shoes and it scared the shit out of me. I could be her. It could have been my husband instead of hers.

3 Months Down

We are going good. Aubree is doing amazing with the whole potty training thing but we still have a few "opps" moments. Aubree and I both start School on Jan. 12th! This is a huge step for both of us. She will be going to the pre-preschool program through the college that I will be attending. On my breaks and during lunch I will be able to go visit her or go and observe her in the little room in the center. We went today and talked with her teacher about what we need to bring and how everything works. She showed us around and Aubree got sooo excited when she saw the itty bitty potties! lol She started telling us all that she had to go pee-pee, she had a huge grin on her face while sitting on that thing. lol She didn't want to leave and I really hope it stays like that because I think I'd have a hard time leaving her if she didn't want to stay there. The only negative of this program is that the 2 year olds have to be completley potty trained in order to attend and I'm really worried that Bree will have a setback due to such a huge change, but I guess we will see. I'm excited none the less. I haven't been able to talk with Albert at any length really. It's ok though as I don't really have a lot to say. I'm stuck in potty training hell and am getting ready to go back to college at the ripe old age of 26! He doesn't really have that much to say either. He says he pretty much does the same thing every day. He says he is ready to come home and that he can't wait to see Aubree. I'm really ready to have our own home again. I can't wait to decorate a new place. I can't wait till Bree has her own big room and can't wait to get her into a big girl bed. She is getting so big. She has such a huge personality. She is starting to do some of the things I said my kid would never do. (example, Yelling "No Mommy" at me in the middle of a public place) We are trying to work on manners but dang that's a hard concept for a 2 year old to grasp. I've noticed my patience have been nill to none as of late. This month has hit be like a brick wall. Time is going so very slow. I pray that school makes time go faster for Aubree and I. R and R can't get here fast enough....so that's my update.

2 down 10+ to go....

It's been about a month since I posted last. Things are ok here. I haven't really talked with Albert at any length about anything. He's always rushed to get off the phone or doesn't want to waste the time talking because the calling cards are so expensive. Sucks but it's something I need to get used to again. Aubree and I are working really really hard on getting her potty trained. It's going rather well. I'm wanting to get her in cotton panties full time by Jan. because I've decided to go back to college and the daycare on campus requires all the kids to be 100% potty trained. Christmas is coming up. This is our off year since Albert isn't here. I'm trying to get excited because Aubree is soooo into Santa and all of the lights and Christmas decorations but it's just hard. I feel so bad that Albert is going to be over there again missing another Christmas. That's pretty much all I got.

It's been a little over a month since this deployment started.

Aubree and I are doing pretty good. She is getting so big she's 37 pounds and sooo soooo tall! Today was Aubree's first evening/night without her paci. I told her that they were all in the trash and that it was time for her to be a big girl now. I also told her it was time to start going pee-pee and do-do on the potty and that only babies wear diapers. Tomorrow I will start potty training with 100% full force. It's official, our baby isn't a baby anymore. I so wish Albert was here to enjoy this part of her life. She gets so excited about the little things. She loves Christmas tree's or well anything that has to do with Christmas really! lol She is so happy with just the simple things, I have a lot to learn from Bree. Her and Albert are so much alike. They are both so caring and concerned for others and just so full of love. I am so blessed to have them in my life. I haven't been able to talk to Albert a whole lot and when I do hear from him there is a lot of static on the line so most of the conversation is "What did you say?" "Are you there?" and "Hello?" We thought he was going to be stationed at the same base he was at last time but it turns out that that's not the case right now. I'm a bit upset with his unit because they still haven't put out a correct address. I really hope I get an address in time to at least send him something for Christmas as I've already missed his Birthday. Things have been pretty busy the past month and I hope they stay busy because time seems to go by more quick. 1 month down and a lot more to go. I can't wait to see my husband.

One week down...

I've heard from Albert a few times and he seems to be ok. He is stuck in ****** right now which sucks for him. He said it's really hot but not nearly as hot as it's going to be when he gets to his final destination. He said he doesn't know how some of the people in his unit are even going to handle it because they are having a hard time dealing with the heat where they are now! I feel so bad for them all, that gear is soooo heavy. I guess Bree and I are doing ok. We have been pretty busy since we got home. Everyone wanted to see us so we've been making our trips around. Aubree has been doing amazing. She is sleeping in a "big girl" bed and we haven't had any issues with the transition. She has been getting up a little earlier then she used to but no biggie there. I'm just so blessed to have her. We are all unpacked and settled into mom and dads house. I'm missing Albert pretty bad. I hate when something really crazy or important happens because I can't just pick up the phone and call him. I miss having him on demand. lol I've been coming out of my shell a bit though. I haven't had a choice really! Aubree and I had a whole 10 minute conversation with some random lady at the store the other day. lol People see my ACU handbag and feel the need to tell me all about someone that they know that is in the service. Sometimes it's ok but sometimes it's just easier not to talk about him being gone. Everyone in the family feels the need to let everyone they/we run into know that he's over there. I guess it's nice to have the support of people but at the same time.....dang. Him being gone is still a huge adjustment for us. Week one is over and I'm glad. I can't wait for this whole year to be over so my family can be back together.

He's gone...

Well, He's gone. I dropped him off at the motor pool on October 3rd around 6:30 a.m. We said our goodbyes in the car since we weren't allowed to go inside the building and wait with our guys. I didn't get any pictures because it was so dark outside. It was such a sad morning for our little family. I had cried so much the night before that I didn't even have anymore tears to cry. Albert told Aubree that he had to go to work and Aubree told him that she wanted to go too. Sad. I honestly think this goodbye was harder then the first deployment goodbye. Aubree is getting so big and is picking up on so much, I just feel so bad that they are going to miss out on eachother. They are both so amazing and (yes this is a poor me moment) it's just not fair. Albert and I have talked and we've decided that he will be getting out when this contract is up. I don't care if we both have to work full time and live in a shack, just as long as we are together as a family....that's all I care about. This is such a hard lifestyle packed with soooo many goodbyes..... way to many goodbyes. Aubree just got up from her nap so I'm going to take her outside to play for a few hours.

Moving into the hotel tomorrow...

Everything that is staying here at Riley is in the storage shed and everything that I'm taking to the hotel (then to Illinois) with us is packed and ready to go. Al packed his A bag and his ruck sack and is going to pack his personal bag tonight. We are staying here in the apartment tonight on an air mattress then move into the hotel tomorrow. We will stay in a hotel till he leaves. We still don't have an exact "D" date. I'm relieved that the house is packed and that everything that needed to get done is done but it's also kind of a sad feeling because we are so close to the next step, him leaving. Albert's dad and his g/f came today to help us load the heavy things into the truck then unload them into the storage shed. We had a late lunch with them, it was a good visit. Tomorrow I think we are going to go to the Apple Festival and just try to have a bit of fun and then Monday Albert's mom gets here. I'm really not sure what our game plan is after that.....hopefully we will just be able to make some really good memories and take in every single second that we have before he has to go. I'm not sure if we will have internet at the hotel, if we do I'll be on here but if we don't I won't be back on till we get back to my parents house in IL.

Having a minor meltdown right now....

Albert will be gone by this time next week. We've got pretty much everything in the apartment packed and will be loading our life treasures onto a truck and droping them off at the storage shed on Saturday. This is so random but I almost feel like I'll be putting my life in storage for the next year also. I remember last deployment I had such a hard time getting away from the computer for fear that I would miss him on yahoo messenger. I longed for any connection I had with him. I'm pretty upset right now about the unit he got placed in. They don't seem to have their head on strait and I can honestly say that from what I've seen so far, I fear Albert going to war with them. I didn't have these feelings when he deployed with 642nd last time and it really scares me that I have have them this time. I think that the army gives you one big favor in your whole career and I think we might have cashed ours in. Albert getting to stay back when Bree was born was huge and I wouldn't trade it for the world although at the same time ever since we moved here we haven't been able to catch a break. Today for example, his whole unit is getting half day (tomorrow too) and who did they pick to go to an all day class.....yep, Albert. Not only is this his last Thursday and Friday here, when the rest of the guys are at home with their families mine is stuck in some redundant class trying not to fall asleep. He hasn't even had his 12 month dwell time and they are sending him again, which is fine, ok, I can deal with that. They get him for another whole year, I'm just asking that he is treated as fairly as the other guys in his unit who get to spend their last week getting half days and making memories with thier families-I think reality just hit that he is leaving again and there is nothing I can even do about it. I feel like everything in my life right now is out of control. It's like I'm at a movie theatre watching my own life. I just want to cry, i'm so overwhelmed with emotion right now.

Our Leave in Illinois

We just got back to Fort Riley last night after spending 9 days home in Illinois on leave. We usually stay with my parents but they just bought a new house and are gutting it so we ended up staying with Alberts G-Ma. She rocks. All in all it was a great visit. We got family pictures done by the same guy that did our wedding back in 04' and I can't wait to see how they turned out. I got Bree a new outfit and Albert brought his new set of acu's to wear for the pics. and of course neither Bree nor Albert could fit into their designated clothes on picture day! lol Needless to say I didn't get the pictures I wanted but I guess these were the pictures we were ment to have. I'll post them as soon as he gets them up on his website. Yesterday morning before we left we got everyone in both of our families together for breakfast as it was the last time everyone would see Albert until this stupid dumb deployment is over. Everyone stood in a circle as Grandpa prayed for us to have a safe trip home and that Albert be protected while over-there. Everyone hugged us and I could see the tears well up as they hugged Albert and the pitty in their eyes as they hugged me. I had this huge overwhelming urge to cry but I held it together as I'm sure I'll have to do many more time throughout this coming year. Aubree did great on the trip. She didn't sleep much which turned out to be a good thing because when we got back here to Kansas she crashed out hard core and didn't wake up till almost 10am today. We move out of our apartment on the 29th and will be staying in a hotel until he leaves then Bree and I will drive back to Illinois and stay. Alberts deployment ceremony date has changed and is now on the 30th, time is just going way to fast.

He's Leaving soon....

Albert hasn't even been home for a year yet and he leaves for Iraq again in x days. I'm so overwhelmed. I have so many emotions right now. I thought that the first deployment would be harder then the second but someone up there is trying to prove me wrong. Albert is my best friend and I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.. I am so blessed to have him as a husband but sometimes I feel so cheated. Sometimes I wish we were a normal family. Sometimes I would give anything just to know that we were going to be able to be together. No special training out in the field for weeks, no deployments, just him and I working our asses off to pay bills even if it means just scraping by, even if it means going into debt. I would do anything just to make sure that he is safe. I hate that he's gone every other year. I hate that he misses out on Aubree. I hate that he misses out on me. I hate that Aubree and I miss out on him. Most of all I hate thinking that he might not make it home to us. He's such a good daddy and such an amazing husband. I know this military lifestyle is something we have chosen to do as a family and have been doing for the last few years but sometimes I just don't feel strong enough. Sometimes I just don't feel like I can pull this off. How am I supposed to tell Aubree that daddy is at work every day for the next year? How do I explain that to a 2 year old? They are so close. I just dread him leaving again. The tension between Albert and I is so thick right now, as it always is before he leaves us. I tend to nit-pick at the small dumb stuff that doesn't even matter. I grasp for anything that gives me any control in my life as I often feel like all of the decisions are made for us and feel as if I have no say as to what is to come. Our house is filled with boxs right now, just waiting to pack our whole life into a storage shed and put everything on hold for yet another year. Aubree and I are moving back home to Illinois as we have a great support system there. We are so blessed that we have such a loving family, so why is it that I feel so sad right now. I'm so let down. I'm so mad. I'm so..... I don't even know what I am. I'm going to miss my husband, my heart is breaking and he isn't even gone yet.